Along with the excitement / surprise / nervousness of finding out we are about to become new parents, I have felt a variety of other unexpected emotions. Ones I wasn't expecting and am still adjusting too. While this new experience has brought me that much closer to my husband (and surprisingly my mother of all people!), I can't help but feel a little alone. A little left out. And a little misunderstood. And now a huge sense of guilt that I shouldn't been feeling this way, has left me confused and frustrated on top of it all! Pregnancy hormones? Maybe.
My husband and I made the decision to tell our friends and family right away. We are a close bunch and I wanted supported regardless of the turn out. People were happy and very congratulatory to us. Some more than others. But soon after then the changes came. Girlfriends stopped calling to hang out. Friends starting acting different around me. I no longer was one of the gang, but a burden almost. And I don't just feel it- my husband can feel it too.
Now some may say its time to get new friends and that may be a portion of the problem here. I love them to death, but I question if they love me back. When my girlfriends were busy having their babies, yes I continued to party and live my everyday life (after all I wasn't the one pregnant) BUT I sure as hell didn't make them travel to my house to see me or blow smoke in their direction when then were near by or taunt them with alcoholic drinks that they couldn't consume. No. I went with them baby shopping, drove them to drs appointments when their husbands couldn't go, watched the new born babes so they could regain some romance with their hubbys. I even painted the nursery walls for one of them!!!
So, maybe I have set myself up for this. Maybe I gave these women more then they can return, especially seeing how they are NOT without child, like I was at the time. I also have a stronger family unit then these girls. We also were the ones to move 20 mins away from everyone. But I can't help but feel used. Lost. Left out. Whats going to happen when we have the child? Will we never see these people again, unless we make the point to travel to them? Will I lose my entire identity as "one of the girls"? Will it even matter after we meet this new little person?
I'm really trying to tell myself that this is part of life. Its the ebb and flow of life. And while it's okay for me to mourn the loss of my former identity, I really should focus on the joy and the new identity I am about to receive. My heart tells me in just a few months this just won't be as big of a deal.
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