The Struggle of Balance

I am enjoying motherhood more than I ever thought possible. Jack is the absolute definition of love and he is amazing to me (and my husband!) in every way. But with Jack, came a whole boat load of emotions that I expected...and a bunch that I had not.

Being a full time working Mom isnt really a choice for me right now...it's a must. We have a mortgage, a car payment and some other debts that we will be free of by the summer. In additon, my job has my insurance and I have a steadier income than my husband. And because of that, I commute one hour each way to work and have to leave my precious little boy with someone else during the day. I work a shortened day on Wednesdays so I can pick him up at 2:30, but all in all I am away from home (and him) 46 hours a week. And it sucks. Bad.

Guilt.

Sadness.

Anxiety.

I feel like I am missing special moments and he is growing so fast! I feel horrible that he misses me during the day and wonders where I am and why I have left him. Then I feel silly for thinking that. I know all working mothers must go through this. But I never expected it to be so hard.

I'm doing the best I can to make sure I am as present as possible during the few hours we have together during the week. I am still breastfeeding full time. I make sure all dinners are made on Sundays, so when I get home from work there is limited time stuck in the kitchen. I keep telling myself this is what I HAVE to do and by doing it, I am teaching him we need to work for what we have and sometimes do things we don't want to do. Hopefully we will get to a point where I can be home more and it will be that much more enjoyable, because I will know the other side. But for now, I have to find a way to keep myself going and try to be the best (guilt ridden) working mom I can be.

3 Weeks....

Three weeks from today, if all goes as planned, I will be a new mama. It's so hard to belive that 36 weeks have gone by and now, it just 3 short weeks, we will meet our little boy.
It seems surreal to even say that.
Of course, he could come any time now but our hopes is that he cooperates and stays where he is until 10/11. As I mentioned before, we are having a planned c-section due to some medical complications, but I am okay with that. It is what it is.
I have been a ball of emotions for sure. I'm annoyed with people telling me I'll never sleep again (first of all that's not even true....I will sleep again...just not as much....and don't you think I KNOW babies don't sleep 12 hours straight!?) and I'm sick of people at work asking me why I am so tired (um, I'm growing a person inside of me!). But I'm also excited to meet him, excited to have this bond with him and have this family with my husband. I can't wait to see what the combination of the two of us is like! I'm a little sad to lose my freedom, a little scared that we can't manage this financially and a little nervous (or alot nervous) about going through the birth. But all these things will work them self's out and before long it will all be a memory.
So, if you have any advice (please don't scare me!) or words of wisdom, feel free to send them my way. And hopefully I will have a very cute picture to send your way!