I am enjoying motherhood more than I ever thought possible. Jack is the absolute definition of love and he is amazing to me (and my husband!) in every way. But with Jack, came a whole boat load of emotions that I expected...and a bunch that I had not.
Being a full time working Mom isnt really a choice for me right now...it's a must. We have a mortgage, a car payment and some other debts that we will be free of by the summer. In additon, my job has my insurance and I have a steadier income than my husband. And because of that, I commute one hour each way to work and have to leave my precious little boy with someone else during the day. I work a shortened day on Wednesdays so I can pick him up at 2:30, but all in all I am away from home (and him) 46 hours a week. And it sucks. Bad.
Guilt.
Sadness.
Anxiety.
I feel like I am missing special moments and he is growing so fast! I feel horrible that he misses me during the day and wonders where I am and why I have left him. Then I feel silly for thinking that. I know all working mothers must go through this. But I never expected it to be so hard.
I'm doing the best I can to make sure I am as present as possible during the few hours we have together during the week. I am still breastfeeding full time. I make sure all dinners are made on Sundays, so when I get home from work there is limited time stuck in the kitchen. I keep telling myself this is what I HAVE to do and by doing it, I am teaching him we need to work for what we have and sometimes do things we don't want to do. Hopefully we will get to a point where I can be home more and it will be that much more enjoyable, because I will know the other side. But for now, I have to find a way to keep myself going and try to be the best (guilt ridden) working mom I can be.
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